A woman says she will never be the same again after living through what happened to her and her husband. After putting their kids to bed, the couple began to have sex, then they heard one word that left both of them completely traumatized.
Emma Lou Harris is a wife, mom, and blogger who knows there are a lot of things that can go wrong for parents. In fact, she sometimes writes about just that. Drawing on her own personal experience, she shared an embarrassing slip-up she had with her own child that quickly went viral. Saying there’s always that inevitable moment in every parent’s life “when your children catch a glimpse of something you’d much rather they didn’t,” Harris detailed in a Facebook post the incident that qualified as that moment for her and her husband.
To make clear the kind of experience she’s talking about, Harris describes it as, “Something that the retinas of any grown adult human would need a full lifetime and then some to erase from their traumatized memory boxes,” requiring, “Fortnightly shrink sessions for life and replacement eyes are a must. And I would give serious consideration to hypnosis.” Admitting that she had two full beers on the night in question and that her husband Joe had also emptied the dishwasher without being asked, she “knew right then and there it was game on, pants off!”
So, feeling frisky, the mom and dad shipped the kids off to bed as quickly as possible. The very moment their offspring slipped into a slumber, the couple hopped straight on down to sexy town. “Things were getting heated,” Harris says, admitting she was trying to hold in noises. Nails were digging, hair was pulling, headboards were knocking, and Harris was just about to be reminded why she ever put up with her husband leaving his crap all over the house. Then, suddenly, they heard the one word they didn’t want to hear: “Mammmmmmmmy??????????”
“HOLY [EXPLETIVE]!!!!” Harris writes of the moment her panic caused her sweat glands to jump “into emergency mode,” “busting open like a military operation,” as her vagina zipped itself up immediately — all before she even had a chance to turn her head. Then, she looked up to see a moving smudge of color in a “My Little Poney” nightgown, rubbing its eyes and whining. “I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it’s legally blind,” Harris explains.
“My vision is blurred with both the sheer fright and with truth tears over fears of who I’ll find behind the blur of doom. I knew the answer,” Harris continues. “In that same split second, I hear a small girl scream. It’s Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process.” Harris watched as her husband flew through the air in a panic, almost in slow motion, as his “anaconda” swerved “all over the place, threatening to strangle me to death in the act.”
Still speaking of her husband’s member, she wrote, “Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me.” At that moment, Harris managed to sit up in a rush, her behind still lingering up at her throat “where it jumped and hid at the first ‘m’ of ‘mammy.'” She continues recalling the terrifying moment, saying, “My hair is looking like I’ve just had the misfortune of a science project exploding in my face. Joe is huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth like he’s going through an exorcism all the while muttering pleads to Jesus under his breathe that this isn’t happening.”
After a few blinks, Harris’ vision becomes clear, and she can see. “It’s Frankie, my poor poor misfortunate child. She’s standing at the side of our bed. For how long? Who f***ing knowsssss!!! She’s rubbing her eyes and momentarily I consider the fact that she may actually be trying to scratch them out,” Harris writes. Her daughter tells the panicked mother that she’s lost her pacifier in her bed and needs her mom to look for it. “I oblige,” Harris recalls.
“She wanders into her room and says nothing,” the mommy blogger adds. Her daughter put her pacifier in and went back to sleep while Harris and her husband Joe “stay awake all night staring at the ceiling,” speaking “not one word to each other.” Harris admits, “I don’t know what she saw that night. I can’t say for definite if she saw too much or if she saw anything at all.”
She continues, “All I know is, if, in the future, my poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister, well, I guess I’ll have my answer.” Jokingly, she concludes, “Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counselling sometime in the year 2045.”
The story was a hit with social media users because so many can relate to this mom and dad’s traumatizing moment. What’s more, Harris kept it real and described things so humorously, many readers were quick to encourage her to write a book while others jumped at the chance to share similar experiences they’ve had as they too were caught in the act by their own children. Perhaps we have all been there and can relate with the deep sense of embarrassment this blogger so accurately and hilariously described, but one thing is for certain: Not all of us can relay such a story with the flare that Emma Lou Harris mastered.